Skip to main content

Putting the sex into snooker

I notice snooker authorities recently announced plans to make the sport more exciting and try to replicate the success of Twenty20 cricket. It's an ambitious plan and it involves...

*drumroll*

Having less balls on the table


As far as I can see - That's it.

Is having less balls on the table going to make someone who has never watched snooker before suddenly decide to watch?

"Oh wow I love snooker now, there's far less of those confusing red balls. What do you call them?"

"Reds"

"Yes far less reds, I like it much better now without those reds"

It's just not going to happen.

So therefore, I announce my five ways to make snooker sexier and more appealing to the general public.

---
1.Make drugs compulsory
---
I've had enough of this campaign to get drugs out of sport. What we need is more players playing whilst high as a kite.

What I suggest is this.

One hour before the match in the dressing room, each player is required to take a mandatory ecstasy tablet Then hard house, trance and happy hardcore is pumped into the playing area during the match at full volume. If frames are even then instead of a respotted black, a dance off takes place.

An alternative is each player is provided with a spliff roller and then smokes cannabis during the frame whilst the other player is taking a shot. I mean, those chairs look mighty comfortable. Munchies will also be provided.

---
2.Strippers
---
A strippers pole to be installed in the centre of the table. A stripper dances during each frame and the players play around her and the pole. Double points on offer for a shot that goes through the arch of one of her 6 inch clear wedge heels. Winner of each frame gets a private dance in the 'VIP lounge'.

---
3.Convicted criminals to referee matches
---
As part of a rehabilitation process for dangerous criminals, prisons should teach particularly violent or angry criminals the skills of snooker refereeing so they can do this on a day release basis. Not only will it give them an inner calm, it also helps them with numeracy and diplomacy. It will save the snooker authorities money and they will also be doing a valuable service to the community.

3a. An alternative is to get Mr T to referee snooker matches. Or even other celebrities. You could even turn this into a prime time TV show featuring a host of minor celebrities competing to be the top snooker referee.

---
4.Make snooker more Goth
---
This one is a guaranteed winner. How can we tempt more young people into the game of snooker? Goth it up! Hey, it's surely no coincidence that the black ball is worth the most points...

Black nail varnish and eyeliner are mandatory and players much dress in full Goth attire and pass strict Goth club bouncers to get into the playing area. Any player refused entry for 'streetwear' will be forced to forfeit the match.

Smoke machines in operation throughout the match and cider and black on tap for players and the crowd.

Andrew Eldritch from the Sisters of Mercy to become the official Goth ambassador for snooker (Well he's available and looking for work)

Bauhaus to reform and record a cover version of Chas and Dave's Snooker Loopy

---
5.Combine snooker with Gladiators
---
What better way to sure up two fading British institutions than to combine them together. The options are endless:

Following Charlie Brooker's observations, players are to be given gladiator style nicknames that sound like gay nightclubs. Thus we get Peter 'Eros' Ebdon, Stephen 'Rawhide' Hendry and Ding 'Cock Ring' Junhui.

Foam added to the bottom of cues so they can be turned around and used to joust against gladiators.

A moving platform (or travelator if you will) to be installed around the table for players to run up before taking a shot.

Players required to shout "AWOOGA" as loud as possible before breaking.

Gladiators swing giant foam balls at players as they are attempting to take shots whilst standing on small unstable platforms above water.

Crowd given large foam hands and taught the full lyrics to Queen's 'Another one bites the dust'

Referee John Anderson to oversee proceedings in his inimitable grumpy and humourless Scottish style.

After winning a frame a player must complete an obstacle course around the arena - Not as easy as it sounds - Have you ever tried climbing up a cargo net whilst carrying a snooker cue?

---

I mean - surely some of these things must be worth a try, right?

---

Next week - Putting the glamour back into lawn bowls

Comments

SinlessTouch said…
I think you like sex toys!!! take a look!

Popular posts from this blog

Casa de Scaffolding

Portugal is one of my favourite travel and poker destinations, but I have a terrible record of booking accommodation there. During the first time I had played beach volleyball, I received a recommendation of somewhere to stay in Lisbon. Firstly let me say, don't play beach volleyball. It really hurts your hands and you get sand in your face a lot. On my ill adjudged foray into this sandy and painful game, I got talking to my team mate and mentioned I was about to go to Lisbon. "I know a great place to stay" she assured me. We chatted further between points and as I had no writing device to hand, I made a mental note of the B&B she strongly urged me to stay in Lisbon - Casa de Hospedes . It sounded great and just up my street. A couple of days later, with the trip approaching, I still hadn't booked anything. I remembered the beach volleyball tip. A quick google and it popped up straight away. I had a personal recommendation and it was very reasonably priced so

Click Clack

To me the sound is unmistakable.  The repeated click clack echoing around the room as hundreds of people sit around those green felted tables. Mostly in reverent silence but punctuated by the occasional groan or roar of celebration and shout from a dealer or floorperson. Thousands of clay poker chips hitting each other repeatedly as players riffle them with their hands as they play cards. The Art of the Riffle For the uninitiated – a chip riffle is when you have two stacks of poker chips, perhaps four or five in each stack if you are a skilled ‘riffler’. Then you line them up side by side beneath your hand on the poker table. Using your fingers and thumb you create a little bit of air in between each chip and in one seamless motion merge them into one stack. Then separate and repeat. Is it for concentration? A habit? Something to do in the monotony of folding? Every riffler undoubtedly has their own reasons. A good set of clay poker chips has some weight to them, so gravity assi

Bad Beat Stories From the Back of a Moped

It is 1:30am and I am riding my bicycle through Berlin. A man pulls up beside me on a moped and slows down to my speed. He is waving his hands and shouting. He sounds angry. Or perhaps he is not actually angry and he is just shouting in German. When I hear people shout in German, I always think they are angry. I double check that I have my lights on and that I didn't just drive through a red traffic light. Momentarily I am confused. He is wearing a helmet and I recognise, him from somewhere, but can't quite place the face in the dark. I am also trying to concentrate on the road as I am a nervous cyclist at the best of times.  "So I had kings..." It isn't until I hear some poker related phrases that I realise that this is the man I have just beaten heads up in a poker tournament. He seems to be berating me once again for my play. This time from the back of a moped. I have a 10km to cycle home after my glorious victory in the nightly casino tournament in Berlin. I p