This Bogus Poetry

It's one of the finest songs of its generation, but one that has been sadly ignored by music historians and scholars. Until now... Traveling in a fried-out combie On a hippie trail, head full of zombie I met a strange lady, she made me nervous She took me in and gave me breakfast The opening to this strange tale. Our narrator it seems is backpacking around Europe in a camper van whilst listening to White Zombie. I would encourage any Australian backpackers not to hang out in red light districts, let alone have breakfast with European prostitutes, particularly if feeling uneasy and unsafe. It's certainly not a good way to spend a gap year and it won't impress on your CV when applying for jobs in the future. And she said, Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men plunder? Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover. Clearly this makes no sense whatsoever. I can perhaps understand why European prostitutes think Australian...

I notice snooker authorities recently announced plans to make the sport more exciting and try to replicate the success of Twenty20 cricket. It's an ambitious plan and it involves... *drumroll* Having less balls on the table As far as I can see - That's it. Is having less balls on the table going to make someone who has never watched snooker before suddenly decide to watch? "Oh wow I love snooker now, there's far less of those confusing red balls. What do you call them?" "Reds" "Yes far less reds, I like it much better now without those reds" It's just not going to happen. So therefore, I announce my five ways to make snooker sexier and more appealing to the general public. --- 1.Make drugs compulsory --- I've had enough of this campaign to get drugs out of sport. What we need is more players playing whilst high as a kite. What I suggest is this. One hour before the match in the dressing room, each player is required to take a mandatory ...

Oakland, California - 10:30AM *Knock at the door* I peer through the net curtain. It is an elderly black man. I do not know this man, so I am about to make the decision not to answer, when I notice his most excellent hat. I curse my love of hats. I notice I am wearing my pajamas inside out. I open the door. I smell religion. ME " Hey... " Elderly Black Man " Good morning sir, how are you today? " Me " Err yeah, alright thanks " (looks quizzically) EBM " I'm here to tell you about the lord " Me (actually groans) " OK, well what about him? " EBM " Would you be willing to let the lord into your life? " Me " Sir, you've knocked on the wrong door here, I don't want to waste your time. I'm a nihilist. I don't believe in anything " EBM (Visibly taken aback) " You believe in nothing at all? " Me " That's correct " EBM " Do you believe I'm real? " Me (narrowing eyes, t...

"Mate, you swim like a dickhead..." I'm in a small swimming baths in the suburbs of a provincial English city. I like to keep fit, though I've never ever been to a gym in my life, therefore swimming is a good solution. When I was about fourteen, I swam a mile. I have no idea how I did that. I would describe my swimming style as unorthodox. I guess this stems from my only real fear or phobia. Going underwater. I can't explain this fear and it makes no sense. I have no idea where it came from but I've always had it. It must be something to do with not being able to breathe, but that is not everything. Any others I've had, heights, needles - I've conquered without a problem. This one sticks. I remember when I was at school, I think probably the only detention I ever had was when I got into an argument with the PE teacher after I refused to dive to the bottom of the pool and get the brick. I said no, then I ended up getting out of the pool and totally refu...

5. New Order - World In Motion Remember when England were good at football? No I'm not talking about 2001 or even 1996 . It's time to go back to 1990. Gary Lineker banging in the goals. A svelte Gazza in his prime. Chris Waddle bounding down the wing, his mullet proudly trailing behind him. A beautiful sight for all Englishmen. In the video, witness Gillian Gilbert looking distinctly awkward, Keith Allen being a twat and Bernard Sumner driving across the pitch in a car, no doubt ruining the playing surface in the process. Perhaps this was the reason the team were unable to practice taking penalties? And of course, we have to mention the John Barnes rap at 2:30. For me, rather than Gazza's tears , this was the iconic image of the 1990 World Cup. Some say it was his best performance in an England shirt and I wouldn't disagree. The lyricism, the flow, the focus, the hip swivel - It's all there. In Stuart Maconie's excellent rock journalist biography Cider With Ro...

For no apparent reason whatsoever, I wanted to tell you about some of my all time favourite music videos. As a child of the MTV generation, music videos have always been really important to me. Some remind me of certain points in my life, others of certain people. Mostly they are just three and a half minute distractions. I'm not saying these are the best music videos ever, but for a variety of reasons, they are some of my favourites. 10. Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence Here's my theory. Dave Gahan is on his way back from a monarchy themed fancy dress party. It's late/early, the sun is just coming up. He takes a wrong turn just outside Basildon and finds a deckchair in a skip... I have no idea what was on Anton Corbijn's mind when he came up with the concept for this video, but I'm mighty glad he made it. --- 9. Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy Firstly, I genuinely and truly love this song. The crux of the video is that Jimmy Sommerville has a homoerotic encounter in a...

On Sunday I finished 8th out of 4,394 players in the Sunday Warm-up on PokerStars for a cool $10,985. I don't play tourneys very often and it's my biggest ever tournament cash. It was nice to make it in probably the second most prestigious weekly online tournament. This was only the third time I've ever played the Million or the Warm-up and I enjoyed it a lot, though it was pretty nerve racking near the end. I managed to get hold of some chips early thanks to some kind donations and one or two suck outs and I was 10th in chips at the first break. From then on things got rolling and eventually some nine hours later we were at the final table. In the time in between I played on the same table as some great players (Kenny 'Kenny Rap' Weinstein, Anthony 'D1rtyR1v3r' Nardi and Kevin 'BeL0WaB0Ve' Saul ), as well of course as some complete donkeys. I felt like I learnt a lot from playing such a lengthy high profile tournament - The way things change at dif...