This Bogus Poetry

"Send em all back, that's what I say" "Who?" I replied, somewhat taken aback. "The Muslims, all of them, send them back" Add caption This was my first verbal exchange at the 1/5 Spread Limit Seven Card Stud game at the Mirage in Las Vegas. As an opening salvo, this was somewhat of a statement of intent. "But send them back where?" I asked in response. "HOME" replied the elderly lady, now clearly getting agitated as she discarded her hand on fourth street. There was heavy action of a $2 bet from a man across the table, who from first glance, it was difficult to distinguish whether he was alive or dead. "But most Muslims in the UK were born there" I stated matter of factly, as I brought it in with my three up. "SEND EM' BACK" was the unequivocal response from the lady. Clearly we weren't getting anywhere fast in this debate. The elderly moustached man sitting next to me now chimed in, ...

All I'm saying is: I wrote this in April - http://thisboguspoetry.blogspot.com/2009/04/detailed-analysis-of-song-down-under-by.html The BBC published this a few days ago - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/8178913.stm I will inform Tristan, my lawyer, when he gets back from his family break in Tuscany. IS THIS WHAT I PAY MY LICENCE FEE FOR??????

Willits, California is not somewhere I’d recommend to the casual tourist. But for the road tripper, I feel the experience was a vital rite of passage. My companion and I left Oakland late and drove for around three hours before hitting our destination. On the way we’d stopped for a classic roadtrip burger from In and Out, a place in America that is after my own heart by having only about five items on the menu. One thing that I’ve begun to hate in the US is choice for food and drink. Just give me a few options and I’ll decide, don’t give me infinite choice – my British brain just gets all confused and hurty. Arriving in Willits the action was slow. It seemed there wouldn’t be any tourist sights to view the next morning and we soon found a road with about ten motels on. With such a range of options some might decide to go for quality and which one looked the best, some might go for a chain that they’d heard of which would hopefully provide some kind of basic standards. We chose the one ...

*Warning if you don’t want to know what happens in toilets in Las Vegas at 4am then you better stop reading now. A lot of people have asked me if I am playing the World Series of Poker this year, as it is taking place whilst I am in America. My answer to this question is no. In truth I am a bit over Vegas right now and the thought of going there in the stifling temperatures of late may or early June is something that doesn’t excite me one bit. Though naturally, I would like to visit the pinball museum again. My epiphany, my Vegas nadir if you will, came one Friday last October, at around 4:30am, in the toilets of Harrah’s hotel and casino. I was playing in a pretty crazy poker game. There was a Frenchman who had all the money despite not knowing how to play. He had over $1500 on the table and he was willing to gamble and go all in on a whim. Two kids were randomly going in blind for $100 at a time and a couple of other players who weren’t too hot including one who’s catchphrase everyti...

It's one of the finest songs of its generation, but one that has been sadly ignored by music historians and scholars. Until now... Traveling in a fried-out combie On a hippie trail, head full of zombie I met a strange lady, she made me nervous She took me in and gave me breakfast The opening to this strange tale. Our narrator it seems is backpacking around Europe in a camper van whilst listening to White Zombie. I would encourage any Australian backpackers not to hang out in red light districts, let alone have breakfast with European prostitutes, particularly if feeling uneasy and unsafe. It's certainly not a good way to spend a gap year and it won't impress on your CV when applying for jobs in the future. And she said, Do you come from a land down under? Where women glow and men plunder? Cant you hear, cant you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover. Clearly this makes no sense whatsoever. I can perhaps understand why European prostitutes think Australian...

I notice snooker authorities recently announced plans to make the sport more exciting and try to replicate the success of Twenty20 cricket. It's an ambitious plan and it involves... *drumroll* Having less balls on the table As far as I can see - That's it. Is having less balls on the table going to make someone who has never watched snooker before suddenly decide to watch? "Oh wow I love snooker now, there's far less of those confusing red balls. What do you call them?" "Reds" "Yes far less reds, I like it much better now without those reds" It's just not going to happen. So therefore, I announce my five ways to make snooker sexier and more appealing to the general public. --- 1.Make drugs compulsory --- I've had enough of this campaign to get drugs out of sport. What we need is more players playing whilst high as a kite. What I suggest is this. One hour before the match in the dressing room, each player is required to take a mandatory ...

Oakland, California - 10:30AM *Knock at the door* I peer through the net curtain. It is an elderly black man. I do not know this man, so I am about to make the decision not to answer, when I notice his most excellent hat. I curse my love of hats. I notice I am wearing my pajamas inside out. I open the door. I smell religion. ME " Hey... " Elderly Black Man " Good morning sir, how are you today? " Me " Err yeah, alright thanks " (looks quizzically) EBM " I'm here to tell you about the lord " Me (actually groans) " OK, well what about him? " EBM " Would you be willing to let the lord into your life? " Me " Sir, you've knocked on the wrong door here, I don't want to waste your time. I'm a nihilist. I don't believe in anything " EBM (Visibly taken aback) " You believe in nothing at all? " Me " That's correct " EBM " Do you believe I'm real? " Me (narrowing eyes, t...